


la douleur exquise

by ephemeralstar



Category: Nothing Much to Do
Genre: Ben falls in love a lot, F/F, F/M, M/M, Nothing Much is Straight, Pre-Canon Beadick, Pre-Canon Pedrazar, Relationship Mark AU, Very One-Sided Crushes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-24
Updated: 2014-11-08
Packaged: 2018-02-22 10:30:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2504594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ephemeralstar/pseuds/ephemeralstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben was fourteen when he met Bea, who wore short sleeves and had no 'love tallys' on her forearm. Ben wore sweaters in summer and looked into tattoo concealer, to cover his fifteen tallys. Its not that he planned to have massive crushes on people, its just that he didn't realise it was love until it was too late.</p><p>"Friendships are like butterflies; they die in free days."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Picking

**Author's Note:**

> AU where when you fall in love, a little red tally mark appears on your wrist. If the love is requited, it turns black. If your lover dies, the tally turns into a scar.

Pedro was basically Ben's tippoff that he wasn't exactly straight. He was thirteen and his past four tally marks stood against his skin like a bright red flag. The fifth one was hardly a shock in comparison to the realisation. Its Pedro and his stupid, fluffy hair hanging up the laundry when Ben walks past and offers to help before they head to football practice. Its Pedro passing Ben the ball and slapping him on the back when they score. Its Ben wondering if ' _He_ _y, good practice, wanna snog?_ ' is too much, which he ultimately decides it is.

"Ben, you're thirteen for christ sake." His mother sighed, four red tally marks pale in comparison to the thin, scarred one. "You don't need to worry about that sort of thing. You'll be like your dad, he was just the same as you were." Her smile was slightly sad and Ben hugged her extra tight before going to bed that night.

So Ben doesn't act on it, doesn't do anything but grin along with Pedro and continue to play football in the hot summer sun. Some days Pedro had to leave early because the Duke family was spending the afternoon at the beach and their cousin had invited him to go. Apparently she was smart, funny and all together too loud, but Pedro was always smiling when he talked about her. Ben pretended not to see the new, red tally on Pedro's wrist.

* * *

 

Around the tenth mark (it was the middle of June) Ben started frowning at himself in the mirror, wearing short sleeved t-shirts. All ten tally marks were red and plain, but always too much. He was the only boy he knew with ten tally marks. He was the only boy he knew who had tally marks from boys and girls. He pulled on a sweater and a hoodie, just to be safe.

* * *

 

Ben was fourteen when he met Bea, who wore short sleeves and had no 'love tallys' on her forearm. Ben wore sweaters in summer and looked into tattoo concealer, to cover his fifteen tallys. Its not that he planned to have massive crushes on people, its just that he didn't realise it was love until it was too late.

"Ben, you're going to die of heat exaustion." His mother told him, as he tried to leave the house wearing a turtle-neck in the middle of January.

"We're going to the shops, I'll be fine!" Ben huffed, trying to push past his mother. She continued to frown at him, to which he sighed, relenting, and returned upstairs to remove the turtle-neck. It took him another half an hour to track down one of his father's old, chunky watches in the back of his mothers closet. He was almost an hour late, Bea laughed at the watch, but he didn't care.

He tried to limit the amount of time he spent with Bea after the first few days. He knew the game by then, knew that if he got too close to her, he would end up falling for her and she would never love him back. That's just how things worked for him. So he told her that he wasn't interested in having their friendship develop, told her "Friendships are like butterflies; they die in free days." She snorted and told him it was stupid, but still invited him to her family barbeque.

They talked for hours and eventually the subject of 'love tallys' was brought up.

"I'll never fall in love. It doesn't mean I don't think the system is beneficial." She told him, her nose in the air. Ben rolled his eyes.

"Then you won't get it. There are some people who hate the system; what if you have like... fifteen red tallys and no black?" He huffed, "You think people want that broadcasted to the world?"

"I never said it was a perfect system."

They have similar views on a lot of subjects, though (Dogs or Cats? _Cats, obviously_. Favourite TV show? _Flight of the Conchords_.) and Ben found himself going to sleep with a smile on his face that night, despite the face that she was leaving in the morning.

He woke up with a bleary ' _Oh dear God, no._ ' and a sixteenth tally mark.

* * *

Meg's the only person Ben's met with as many tallys as him. Meg wears hers like a badge of honour, the little black marks of those who have loved her back, the happiness they represent. She doesn't mind any more, people staring at her arm, the way people whisper. She's heard all the rumours, but she rolls with the punches.

(Robbie doesn't have any tallys and Meg still smiles. Ben wonders how she does it.)

* * *

 

Its his last year at Messina High, he's stopped counting his tallys almost two years ago and his crush on Claudio was inevitable, he tells himself. Claudio's very handsome, very nice and a little bit insecure, which makes Ben want to bundle him in a blanket and make him tea... Not that he'd ever admit to that. Ben's never really known his type when it comes to guys, but he has always been drawn to the quieter ones (something about opposites attract or something...), proven by his ill-timed sort-of crush on Balthazar who had just met Pedro.

The problem was that Claudio was _very straight._ Ben, as sad as it was, had more than enough experience dealing with this, and generally just spent every moment he could with Claud, joking and talking and laughing. Being around them had to be good enough, _had to be,_ it was the only way Ben had learned to survive - drunken rambling and bathroom vlogs aside. The other problem was that this crush was serious - 3-am-mixtape-making serious. He saw the heart-eyes Balthazar had around Pedro, he wondered if he looked like that too, around Claud.

Claud once showed Ben his tallys, three neat red lines. Ben squirmed in his hoodie, before taking it off and showing his left arm, covered in little red tallys. Claudio held his wrist, his eyes tracing the little marks.

"Do you remember all of these people?" He asked, quietly. Ben shrugged. (He recited it in his head, like a game: _Four is Pedro. Sixteen is Bea. Balthazar's twenty-five. Meg's thirty-six. You're fifty_ _two_.)

"Some. Only those worth remembering." He smirked a bit, though it was both sarcastic and self depricating. "I sure know how to pick them, right?"

"None of them are black?" Claud asked, his eyes searching for at least one black one. There was none to be found. Ben wanted to answer, make some snarky remark about 'celebrity crushes', but with his pulse beneath Claud's fingers and finally showing someone this burden he'd carried, he found himself at a loss for words. "Ben?" Claud looks up into Ben's eyes, small smile on his face. Ben snaps out of it, tugging his hand from Claudio's grasp, wiggling into his hoodie once more.

* * *

 

"What happened to Miss 'I'm-Never-Going-To-Fall-In-Love'?" Ben grins at Bea, she's sitting on Pedro's couch and wearing a blue princess dress. Bea's sporting two marks on her wrist, one black and one red.

"I found Ben." She said, sighed almost. Ben blinked slowly, trying to absorb her words. "One little Sherlock episode and I'm hooked." She said, dumb grin plastered on her face. She turned to him, to see him blanching, and burst out laughing. "Did you think I meant Benedick?" She snorted into her drink. "The other one's a girl I dated last year in Wellington." She meant it to come off as nonchalant, but there was an edge to her voice, daring him to oppose it or to say something about it. It was a tense moment before she looked around, "Speaking of - where is Benedick?"

* * *

 

Hero truely is a miracle. Ben's determined not to fall for her, because she's precious Hero who deserves much better than him. But she truely is a miracle. Despite his embarrasing and ever-present crush on Claudio, he does like seeing the two of them together. Until Claudio decides to screw up royally. Ben watches the black tally mark on his friend's wrist as he shakes Hero.

Ben remembers the phone call that happens between himself and Claudio, the day he and Pedro came over to Ben's house.

" _Ben, come on_ -" Claudio says over the phone, sounding exasperated.

"No, OK, I'm picking the Dukes this time. Hero did nothing wrong." Ben's words are clipped.

"Yeah, you know how to pick them." Claudio's voice is angry now, indignant, parotting Ben's own words back at him. Ben feels his temper flare as he holds the phone to his ear.

"Yeah, I _picked_ you. I _picked_ Pedro. Look where that got me." He snapped. Claudio's quiet and Ben knows what he's thinking.

"What do you mean-"

"Did I stutter?" Ben huffed. There's silence on the other end of the line and it remains that way as Ben said his goodbyes and hung up.


	2. Maestro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I should really stop saying 'I've screwed up' when describing my love life to you." Balthazar watched the football game, rather than Ursula's face.
> 
> "This is the first time you've described your love life to me." She responded, the camera trained on his face. Balthazar's sigh was heavy and he turned to look into the camera lense.
> 
> "I've screwed up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to extend this because instead of focusing on just Ben, I wanted to do more of the crew... OK. Have fun.

Balthazar's first music teacher was a woman in her early twenties with a tattoo of a rose on her hand and played violin like it was her mission in life. He was the only boy in her violin class, the only classmate who already took classes on guitar and piano, and was the only person he knew who would fake being sick to get out of school and practice his instruments. He was also eleven and not entirely comfortable with the rest of civilisation.

His sister didn't mind, of course, she was a primary school teacher and let Balth help plan arts and crafts activities. They had lived together for as long as Balthazar could remember, and she technically wasn't his sister, but they loved each other like family and Balthazar wouldn't trade her for the world. She also had no tally marks, something that at the age of eleven, Balthazar didn't understand.

* * *

At the age of fifteen, his sister found out the technical term was asexual and Balthazar understood all too well the feelings of isolation she had been plagued with around her friends and her colleagues. Balthazar wondered if he was asexual too, he knew that he hadn't had a crush but wanted to more than he could express - partially because he wasn't great at expressing himself through words.

"Why would you want to learn the French Horn?" She'd asked him when they were watching television and eating reheated macaroni. Balthazar just shrugged, not looking at the TV, but also not looking at her. It was some sappy romcom that she had roped him into watching, where the woman without any tally marks falls for the man with many tally marks. _That's not the way it works_ , Balthazar finds himself thinking and stabs the pasta with a bit more vigor than necessary. "Is this your way of meeting new people?"

"Maybe. I don't know." Balthazar rubs the back of his neck, sighing, "Possibly. It seemed like a good idea at the time." And he groaned, flopping on his side and possibly smearing cheese sauce on his shirt. His sister laughed, taking their plates to the sink and rinsing them off.

"Fine, you can go to the music shop tomorrow and see about renting one." She told him. Balthazar grinned into the cushion, before his sister tackled him into a hug. "You're going to be the greatest maestro, brother dearest."

Balthazar took the opportunity the next day to head into town with his guitar and violin to get some new strings, which is how Ursula found him, with a guitar case across his back and violin case in his hand, waiting for the shop assistant to bring the rental French Horn from the back room.

"I... I've seen you before. You're Stanley, right? One of the features of the school's talent show." She asked, camera around her neck. Balthazar's eyes widened and he tightened his grip on the violin case. He nodded quickly, and she smiled. "You're very good." Balthazar blinked rapidly, trying to process her words, he wasn't used to people talking to him.

"Um, thanks." He muttered. Ursula paused for a moment, before beginning hesitantly.

"This seems... like an odd request, but do you play piano?" She asked, and Balthazar's eyes flicked to the keyboard set up in the store for demonstrations, and nodded once more. "Is there a possibility that you could model for a photography project?" She asked, and Balthazar had to think for a moment, before nodding. Ursula let out a breath and her smile brightened, "Oh, lovely. Thank you! That's wonderful." In their first conversation, Balthazar spent more time looking at the sheet music to Ursula's right rather than Ursula herself.

* * *

 

It takes them two months for Balthazar to ask Ursula around to his house for a sleepover, partly because he's never had a friend as close to him as she is, and partly because his sister is a nerd who is wears a onesie instead of actual clothes.

"Anna, please don't embarrass me." Balthazar pleaded, trying to fit his cello into his room. There was hardly any room that wasn't on the bed, his drum kit taking up a large amount of space in the small room.

"I am always cool." His sister waltzed down the hall, hands in the pockets of her spotted onesie, and lounging on his door frame. "I'll have you know my students think I'm the coolest." She was straight-faced as she said it, but a smile tugged on Balthazar's lips.

"Your students are six." He told her, and the doorbell rang. There was a moment of tense silence where they looked at each other before Anahera bolted for the door, Balthazar running behind her and slipping, sprawling out on the ground as she opened the door.

"Hi, I'm Anahera Jones. You must be Balth's friend." She grinned at Ursula looked from Anahera's grinning face to Balthazar, lying on the ground, burying his face into the carpet from embarrassment.

"I'm fifteen, Ro." He groaned, before getting up and smiling at Ursula. "Um, welcome."

"Balth?" Ursula asked, stepping over the threshold. Anahera smiled fondly at Balthazar.

"As in Balthazar. He's very wise." She said, and Balthazar ducked his head. Ursula laughed lightly, presenting Anahera with a tray of homemade cupcakes. "I like you." Anahera grinned, Ursula and Balthazar heading into the living room to watch movies.

Two hours later, the three of them are eating Chinese food and chatting while the television plays in the background.

"So why did you even become friends with Balth?" Anahera asked, Balthazar wonders how hard it would be to wash noodles from his hair if he face palmed, he loved her, even if she could be rather blunt at times. Ursula swallowed her mouthful of food before replying slowly.

"There's not a lot of creatively minded people in our year, he sort of stood out." There was a moment where she seemed to be deliberating with her next line, before admitting, "And I've never met anyone else of our age without tally marks."

"You what?" Balthazar asked, and his eyes go straight to her wrist. It's not that he's unobservant, he's just never felt that it mattered.

Ursula smiles and shrugs, "I've felt so out of place, it's hard being asexual in a tally dominated world. It was a nice change." Ursula focused on the television, feeling a blush heat her cheeks. "Oh, I'm rambling about myself. Sorry about that." Anahera remains quiet, watching Ursula's face, a smile making it's way across her lips and stretching from ear to ear. Ursula sees the hug coming and can feel her happiness, it comes as a bit of a shock, but then there's the flash of dark, tally-free skin and everything makes sense.

"You can stay." Anahera told her, smiling. Balthazar had been quiet also, a smile on his face as he looked at the two most important people in his life. Ursula felt the tension of society lifting as she hugged the Maori woman back.

* * *

Everything is going well in Balthazar's life, he has his music, he has his best friend, and he has his sister. The nickname 'Balthazar' sticks, but he doesn't mind. Then he meets Pedro and Ben and everything is turned upside down. Ben's loud and fun and exciting, he wears sweaters all the time and can't sing to save his life, but he's nice and Balthazar likes him well enough. Balthazar and Pedro click automatically as Ursula discovers Hero and Meg; they drift apart, but still remain close.

Pedro's captain of the football team, top of his class and all around great guy, which makes Balthazar pale in comparison, the quiet guy who pays too much attention to music and is possibly failing maths. Tragic. Somehow, they become the best of friends, Balthazar mumbles something about 'complementary personality types' when his sister asks. They spend weeks, months, hanging out, recording music together. Balthazar's been to more football practices, waiting for Pedro, than he'd ever been to before. It's sweet and Pedro's so nice to him, he goes on about how awesome Balthazar is, how his music is taking him places and -

Balthazar doesn't realise he's in love until it's too late. There's a single red tally on his wrist and he spends the next week avoiding Pedro.

_Come to football field. -Balth_

He texts Ursula. What else could he do. He doesn't know what's happening and he needs his best friend, his original best friend. It's the big game, second half, Messina's leading by two. Half a year ago, Balthazar wouldn't care less about it, but he knows how much it means to Pedro.

"Hey, what's up?" Ursula's there quicker than expected, of course she was, she was probably watching the game. She's got her camera, she was probably taking photos for the school's newspaper.

"I think I've screwed up." He paused, "I should really stop saying 'I've screwed up' when describing my love." He watched the football game, rather than Ursula's face.  
  
"This is the first time you've described your love life to me." She responded, the camera trained on his face. Balthazar's sigh was heavy and he turned to look into the camera lense.  
  
"I've screwed up." He shook his head and Ursula smiled, apologetically. He showed her his wrist and she analysed it for a moment. "I don't know what's happening. I've been avoiding Pedro all week." He admitted. Ursula frowned a little bit, before looking at him.

"Have you ever done any research. Perhaps you're not exactly ace." She told him. There was a moment where Balth considered her words, but shook his head.

"But it doesn't make any sense. Pedro is my best friend, my only other best friend is you and this didn't happen before." He looked at her and Ursula gave him an evaluative look. Balth feels like he's whining, which he doesn't do often, but when he does, it's usually to Ursula, she's the one he goes to for advice when he can't go to his sister.

* * *

 

"It sounds made up." He admits to Ursula. He spent the weekend researching after she advised him to do so.

"This world has people who have marks on their bodies when they fall in love and you being Demiromatic-Homosexual sounds made up?" She asked. She, like his sister, could pull off straight-faced, ridiculous sounding statements very well.

"You have to admit, demiro sounds like a demo robot." He reasons and Ursula blinks slowly at him. Balthazar stares at his hands and takes a deep breath. "I'm in love with my best friend who is in love with a girl from his summer holidays." He hangs his head and Ursula wraps an arm around his shoulders.

"At least he doesn't know. That saves you the embarrassment." She offered. Balthazar smiled slightly.

"Honestly, it doesn't bother me. I mean, if he knows, maybe it will save some time." They sat in silence for a few moments.

"Do you want me to tell him?" She asked. Balthazar shrugged.

"Wait for the right moment."

* * *

 

He expected her to tell him that week, that month, even that year. She didn't. It was over a year later, past all of the shit that Pedro and Claudio had put Hero through, Pedro acted like a douche, but agaisnt everything, something in Balthazar still liked him. Crushes weren't fun. Crushes weren't romantic. Crushes were painful and often concerned the wrong people.

Almost everyone had a happy ending, and he was content with his life. He still had his sister and her arts and crafts. He still had his music (now, other people had his music too). He and Ursula still hung out, he and Ben still hung out, he and Pedro still hung out. Balthazar wasn't subtle, but Pedro needed things to be spelled out for him in regards to feelings. That's why he didn't expect to wake on a Wednesday morning with two texts - one from Ursula and one from Pedro - and a little black tally on his wrist.


	3. Ace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I will not fall in love with my best friend's sister." - turned to - "I will not fall in love with my best friend." Ursula found it difficult to explain, even to herself.

When you're young and you get your first tally mark, its a big deal. The more marks you get, the less of a big deal it is. That's just the way it went, some parents even held little parties and kids bragged about their marks. After the first one, the hype died down, sometimes its years between the first and the second, sometimes its only weeks. The thing about not having tally marks at the age of thirteen, was that everyone thinks you're weird. No-one says anything to her face except for her brothers.

"My teacher said that people who are thirteen without marks are unnatural." Her youngest brother tells her. He's in year four and prefers legos to soccer. Ursula didn't reply, she smiled sadly at her little brother, petting his head and continuing to build the lego house. Her little brother didn't understand, he was only ten, after all. "I asked him because we were reading a book and..." He doesn't exactly finish the thought, he just looks at Ursula's wrist and shrugged.

Her mother patted her on the head, smiling as she passed, heading to the kitchen. "It doesn't matter, dear. You’ll find someone.”

She wore more bangles anyway.

* * *

She's always been looking for her first 'crush experience', keeping an eye on cute boys and trying to define her 'type'. She liked some boys, sure, but they were too loud, or not arty, or sneered at her lack of marks. Honestly, Ursula didn't mind having few friends, she had her brothers, she had her parents and she had her camera. Until she met Stanley, and she uses the term 'met' loosely as they'd had classes together in the past few years and she knew him from the CAPA department of their school.

He was in the music shop, looking too small in his big jumper and guitar case. She’s always liked the music shop, and usually, the people in it. Stanley appeared timid, and he was, he didn’t meet her gaze, but he didn’t move away. She was timid too, pressing down her urge to observe the shop through her lense rather than her own eyes, but she smiled, said her name without mumbling, and he agreed to let her take photos for her art project.

At one point, he adjusted the sleeves of his sweater, and her breath caught. Nothing there, nothing against his wrist, no red or black or anything. She wanted to grin, ask him to be her friend right then and there, but she couldn't... She just kept talking, determined to spend time with him. It was a good day. 

* * *

It took almost a month, but she got full marks on her project and the two of them had a dinner to celebrate. Fifteen years old and eating take out food on the hill, beneath the stars; in the true spirit of youth. Ursula hadn't realised how good it was having a friend who didn't judge her lack of tally marks.

Honestly, she wasn't even sure if he realised, he didn't seem to notice or comment. Maybe he just didn't care. "My mum's cooking a roast tomorrow night, she said you're welcome to come over." Ursula told him, back against a tree, fiddling with a daisy chain. Stanley sat cross-legged, leaning against his guitar, and filming the city below them with Ursula's camera. He turned around, eye to the viewfinder, lense focusing on his best friend. Ursula groaned, shielding her face from the lense, though she could see Stanley's smile. "I'm serious."

"So am I." He handed her the camera, strumming the guitar and singing: "What type of roast?" It was off-key, with no discernable of sense of timing, no matter how far he stretched out the syllables, grin on his face. Ursula couldn't help but laugh, loud and free as he was silhouetted by the glittering lights of the city.

"Chicken." She told him, seriously. His smile grew wider and he strummed faster, building up to his big finish, consisting of agreeing to go to dinner and jazz hands.

"I am a great musician." He told her, seriously, as she continued to laugh.

"Of course, what a wonderful display of your talent." She told him, lifting the camera to film his face and the stars. "You're going to be a YouTube celebrity, people will buy your songs from some indy website and you make covers of Mumford and Sons." She had managed to stop laughing,turning the camera up to just film the stars. Stanley's smile was still playful, but there was a wistful edge to it.

* * *

"Is he your boyfriend?" Ursula has three brothers, the youngest who's now 10, the middle one who's 13 and the oldest, whose 17. Its the middle one who pokes his head into her room and asks her that.

"No." She tells him, frowning. She's looking through the footage of the night before, hearing Stanley's awful singing coming through her headphones.

"Is he going to be your boyfriend?" She turns to look at her brother, frowning.

"No." Her voice is firm and her brother shrugs.

"Hey, whatever, I'm just asking. Chill out." He snorts, as if offended by her. He turns, walking away and she catches. "Its like you don't even like boys. Weirdo."

Its just something her stupid little brother said, it shouldn't bother her that much. It doesn't bother her. It simply won't bother her. There's no way... Stanley's her first close friendship, everyone else she knows as an acquaintance, or through her parents, and those types of friendships are polite at most. Maybe something's wrong with her, she's seen the terrible high school movies about the best friends falling in love trope. She didn't want that to happen, but she's always wanted to have a crush. She looks at her wrist, at the smooth, clean skin there, free of any marks. She's tried forcing herself to like so many people that just haven't been worth it. No red tally. Not even a friendship. Stanley was her friend and she never wanted him to be anything else.

So what did she want, or... Who? Maybe she didn't like boys. That wasn't right, because, honestly, she didn't seem to like anyone, not in the usual 'hot damn, aren't they attractive' way (which isn't to say that she couldn't see when someone was attractive, she could certainly appreciate attractive people). So she did what any teenager in her position would do, google ' _I don't like anyone_ ', and the results were exactly as unhelpful as you can imagine. It took her about five minutes to sift through the first five pages of results before she realised that it wasn't going to help.

' _I'm not attracted to anyone_.'

* * *

"Hey, mum." Ursula kept fiddling with her hands, trying not to pick at her fingernails or a loose thread on her bedspread. Its been a month since she'd made the discoveries online, and has been building up the courage to tell her family, her mother, ever since.

"Hey, honey, what is it?" Her mum smiles at her and Ursula can feel herself squirm with nerves, she's not a particularly nervous around her mother, but she's not sure how to bring up the subject.

"Stanley's invited me to have a sleepover with him, next weekend." She said, shooting for casual. She looked away from her hands when she feels someone sitting on the end of her bed.

"Do you trust him?" Her mother asked, and Ursula nodded, "Do you trust yourself?" Ursula's eyes snapped to her mother's.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, are you getting all worked up over a boy who doesn't like you?" Her eyes were full of concern and Ursula swallowed her last bit of fear.

"No, mum... I don't think," She took a deep breath, remembering what she wanted to say, "I don't think I like anyone. I've done some research, and I think-" There was a moment's silence and she avoided looking at her mother, twisting her bangles around her wrists, "I think I'm asexual." There was silence and she finally chanced a look up at her mother. It made Ursula feel guilty, the fact that her mother had pity in her eyes.

"Ursula, sweetie, I know that things have been tough for you, but sometimes its difficult to fall in love when you spend so much time on the computer." There was a beat and Ursula felt as though she had gotten punched. "This is just a phase, you'll find the right man, and forget about this silly, asexuality thing."

"M-mum." Ursula stuttered, her mother's gaze was warm and sweet, as though she knew she was doing what was best for her daughter. "No, mum. I've felt like this for a long time. I just didn't know-" Her mother cut her off, raising her hand for silence and sighing.

"Ursula, if you feel this way, that's fine, but I'll be here to say 'I told you so' when you fall in love." She patted Ursula on the head and walked to the door, "That's just the way it is." She said, firmer this time, before exiting.

Later that night, Ursula built up her courage to go confront her mother, tell her it wasn't a phase and that she knew how she felt and who she was. She found her father instead, cooking the dinner while her mother went out for groceries. She faltered, all her energy slowly leaching out of her.

"What's up, cupcake? You look pretty rattled." He told her, sausages sizzling away in the pan. Ursula opened and closed her mouth a few times to speak, but nothing came out. "Mum said that you're were acting funny this afternoon, you OK?" She shook her head, feeling the anger from having her opinions pushed aside, crystallising into sadness; her face fell. "Oh sweetie," her father put down the tongs, wrapping his arms around her and hugging her tightly, its OK, what's wrong?" He asked, his voice soft as she shook slightly.

"She... she just... mum just... I'm a person." She finally managed, looking up at her dad. He kissed the top of her head.

"I know how your mum can be sometimes-"

"My opinions matter!" She cried, and her father nodded.

"Your opinions are important. Sometimes she forgets that the best thing for you, is not what she thinks the best thing for you is." Ursula took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asked, softly. There was a moment where Ursula felt as though she might blurt everything out, but she didn't, she shook her head and her dad rubbed her shoulder, comfortingly.

"I know what I feel and I know... what I know." She finally articulated, and her father nodded.

"I know, sweetie. You're a teenager, you're passionate about the things you know about, which is good. Your mother sometimes forgets that, forgets the emotions that go along with discovering who you are and what you like." Ursula looked up at her father, a small smile on her face, he smiled back. "If you don't want to talk about it now, just know that we love you so much, and I will alway support you." Ursula's smile grew and she felt as though a weight had been lifted, that she didn't need to try to change her mother's mind - her mother was fairly stubborn though, she probably wouldn't change anyway.

* * *

Meeting Anahera was one of the best things that could have happened to Ursula, she thinks. Its not just because its two in the morning and she's made pancakes for the three of them, its not because she told Ursula Stanley's nickname (which fits, it so fits and she's going to call him Balthazar from now on). Its because of the way she hugs Ursula, the loneliness that disappeared in that one moment, with the woman she's barely known and her best friend. This is what happiness feels like.

Balthazar and Anahera's apartment almost becomes a second home to her, watching TV and listening to music with Balthazar, keeping away from her own family. Her brothers have become particularly obnoxious as of late, her middle brother wiggling his eyebrows whenever she suggests Balthazar, and her older brother not-so-subtly trying to set them up.

"Promise me we'll never be that lame at 17." Balthazar tells her when she finally tells him.

"What, trying to set people up? We're not love gods." She shook her head and Balthazar nodded, turning back the TV and pulling the blanket further up to cover their legs.

She baked, most often with Anahera, when Balthazar was at music classes. It was great, it gave the two of them a chance to talk about everything and nothing. Ursula had never really had any female friends, which she found pleasantly refreshing, and they ate cake together when it was done. Anahera was lovely and smart and funny and Ursula knew exactly what was happening as it happened. She watched it happen and didn't stop it.

The red tally mark on her wrist was... disorientating.

"I think I've fallen in love." Ursula tells Anna one Wednesday afternoon when the two of them are waiting for their cake to rise. She's got butterflies in her stomach and she's not sure what's happening. This isn't what is meant to happen.

"Yeah, well its sort of inevitable." Anna tells her, and Ursula feels as though her world is getting ripped from beneath her feet.

"But... that's not supposed to happen." She said. Anna turns to her, from her place on the couch. "I mean, doesn't asexual mean-"

"Urs, ace and aromantic are different." Anahera's using her teacher's voice, the one she uses when she's trying to help a student calm down.

"What?" Ursula says, softly. Anahera smiled.

"It can be difficult sometimes, there's a lot of misinformation, but sexuality and romantic orientation aren't the same thing. You can be ace and fall in love." There's a moment and Anna asked quietly, "Is this the first time you've been in love?" It takes Ursula a minute to begin talking again, searching for the words.

"Well, yes. I suppose in the past I've either tried to hard, or... they haven't been my type, I suppose." There was a pause, a moment that stretched into a thousand years and Anahera was looking into Ursula's eyes and she felt as if the world was standing still. Then its over and Anna taps her knee, grinning.

"Well, good for you. That's awesome." She turns back to the television and Ursula asked.

"What about you? Have you ever-" Anahera shook her head.

"Nope, asexual and aromantic." There was a moment of silence before Ursula shrugged.

"OK, cool." And she went back to watching the show.

"This is why I like you." Anna told her, and Ursula grinned.

* * *

Anahera and Ursula remained strong friends, because their friendship came first and Ursula's weird crush on her best friend's sister came second. Balthazar and Ursula remained best friends because its what they did and its who they were. It was only a year later when they sort of began to drift away. Ursula met Hero, a girl from the year below, when staying in at lunch on one of her art projects. Hero was using an easel close to the computers so she could drawer from the screen, what appeared to be a cute little cat.

Hero was lovely and beautiful and had several little tally marks on her wrist, though Ursula stopped paying much attention to tally marks long ago, and the two became good friends. Hero introduces Ursula to Bea, who is loud and rude and fun to be around in small amounts, who in turn, introduces Ursula (or reintroduces, as they're in the same year, but have never had a class together) to Meg.

 

And her world comes crashing down in a pair of green eyes.

 

Meg is fun to be around, like Bea, but she's also sweet, kind and is more sensitive than she lets on. She's funny and smarter than she appears, and very, very beautiful. She's never been so enraptured with a person as she has with Meg, not even Anahera or Balthazar (who, if she's being honest, are the only contenders).

But Meg's got Robbie, has had 'Robbie's before, got the tally marks to prove it. She's a wonderful person and everyone knows it. Ursula thinks she may be biased of course, something about love being blind, she's not sure exactly. She does know Meg's laugh and Meg's smile, and how shattered Meg gets when Robbie cheats. She's always there, lending a sympathetic ear and handing out the chocolate. Because, after a year of knowing each other, she's formed a solid friendship with Meg, even counting her as a best friend, ignoring her feeling, things she's pressing down in the back of her mind. It was weird enough that I will not fall in love with my best friend's sister - turned to - I will not fall in love with my best friend. Ursula found it difficult to explain, even to herself. Two tally marks was bizarre.

She's got all the film from the Claudio scandal, her baking afternoons that she's continued with Anahera and Balthazar, helping Balthazar through his own sexuality crisis regarding Pedro, and helping the Year Nines with their crime show. Sometimes she thinks it might be too much, but she's left staring at the ceiling at night, trying to plan all of her different activities.

"We've got the picnic for Hero in a few days, are you coming?" Ursula asked Meg, the two of them curled up on the Ursula's bed eating chocolate salad and watching high school movies on  her laptop. Meg's resting her head on Ursula's stomach, cradling the bowl on her own.

"Of course," Meg replies almost instantaneously. There was a moment of silence, a moment where they sat in each others company and the world felt alright. "You're really great, you know that? Helping tell Hero's story. Not a lot of people believed her." Meg's voice was quiet, looking at her own tally marks.

Ursula shrugged, "Well, I know Hero, and I know she isn't like that." She put it simply, not needing to say anything more. Meg nodded, deep in thought, looking at her own little tally marks.

"Hey, Urs, what's the time?" Meg asked, the can see the time on the laptop, but Ursula still tells her. "Oh crap, I have to get going. Mum's gonna be mad if I don't get some study done." She takes care not to spill the chocolate before hugging Ursula goodbye. It seemed odd, it seemed very odd, she's met Meg's mum, a lovely lady and not particularly concerned with her daughter's homework, as long as she's doing well in general, and that's not the reason Meg's leaving. Its not until she takes off her bangles when going to bed, that she sees her tally marks. One red. One black.

* * *

Ursula waits a few days, its the school holidays and she'll see Meg at the picnic for Hero. She spends her days taking photos, watching movies and generally not doing a lot. The picnic is lovely and beautiful, everyone looks nice and its absolutely picturesque. She and Meg stick close together, sprinkle petals into the lake together. Meg's flowers are peach coloured, Ursula's are white. Meg looks amazing and Ursula knows how strong she is, how much she believes in Hero and the Dukes, and just how much she's rejected Robbie. People thought Meg was shallow and vapid, that all she cared about was boys and clothes. Meg loved with her whole heart and was overenthusiastic about her relationships.

"Do you wanna go out some time?" Meg asked Ursula, it was after the tension of the picnic, of Hero showing up and the rest of them in stunned silence. Now, they were in Meg's house, in her living room, while her mum was getting some shopping, Ursula on the laptop and Meg watching TV.

"I- what?" Ursula looked up from where she was editing the footage, one earbud in. Meg sat down on her bed and crossed her legs, her face lit with a small smile.

"Us, we could... go out or something." Meg gestured to the two of them, "We like each other, we have the marks to prove it." She showed Ursula her watch-free wrist.

"I didn't exactly realised you liked - how do I say this is a way that isn't like a twelve year old?" Ursula mused, smiling. Meg snorted with laughter.

"I like everybody. I thought you were ace." She grinned.

"Ace and aromantic are different. I think I'm homoromo." Ursula said, smiling, pleased at her first use of the term. There was a pause and Meg's face lit up.

"That's awesome! So, yes or no?" There's a pause and Ursula closed her laptop.

"As long as our first date is sitting here and watching Dr. Who." She said, seriously. Meg laugh, getting up and putting on the DVD.

"Best first date, ever."

* * *

"Babe, its going to be fine." Meg tells her, its been almost three months and the two of them are sitting in Ursula's room. Meg's rubbing Ursula's back, who's trying to work up the nerve to tell her parents about their relationship.

"We're having dinner. Why did I think dinner was a good idea?" Ursula asked, softly.

"Your family loves me, its OK." Meg said, smiling at her. Ursula nodded and her mother called out to them that dinner was ready. The two of them went out to the dinner table, where her mother, father and two youngest brothers were sitting around the dinner table, her oldest going off to uni.

"Oh Meg, its so nice to have you around." Her mother smiled at the dark haired girl, "You two are such good friends." Ursula blanches, her knuckles turning white from where she's twisting her hand beneath the table. Her mouth feels like its full of sawdust and she can't speak. Meg turns to Ursula, resting a hand on Ursula's. She can see that Ursula can't say anything, she asks Ursula it's OK, without even saying a word. With a nod, Ursula gives her permission.

"Actually, we're dating. She's my girlfriend." Meg said, bright smile on her face. There's a beat when everyone takes in what was just said, before her middle brother makes a grotesque remark and her dad tells him to can it.

"That's wonderful, how long?" Her father smiles at them, warm and accepting and Ursula holds Meg's hand tightly.

"About three months." Ursula said, finding her voice once more.

"Three months?" Her mother asked, voice shocked. It takes a moment, for the scandalised edge to wear off, "Oh good, at least you're not going on about being ' _asexual_ '' or whatever it is."

"That's not how it works." Meg replied before Ursula could even open her mouth. Meg knows how passionate Ursula is about ace visibility, and she wants to help every step of the way. "Being asexual doesn't mean she can't fall in love." There's definance in Meg's eyes, but Ursula smiled at her, a silent thank you, and she turned to her mother.

"Mum, I know who I am. Even if you don't agree with it, just try and accept it." Ursula told her. The whole family is silent, waiting with baited breath.

"All right, honey. I love you very much." Her mother's anger melting into a small smile. "I'm proud of the two of you." It takes Ursula a moment to realise what happened, what her mother said, but Meg's stroking the back of her hand with her thumb and presses a kiss to her temple. It might take some time, but this was her family and they loved her. She had Meg, her videos and Balthazar, and her life was falling into place.


End file.
